Escaping London

Escaping London, Juliana and I drive the car into the northern regions of Great Britain. After 700 years of English domination, Scotland is now self-governed. It, of course, is still part of the nation we refer to as Great Britain, but it has its own government for internal purposes. Juliana thinks we should find a remote Scottish castle to spend the next two days. Whatever Juliana thinks, Juliana gets. She pays the bills. Finding a castle that accepts guests is easy, finding a remote place in Scotland is assured. Before cars and public transportation, it must have taken days just to get to the next estate in Scotland. Following up on a suggestion, we locate Chadwick Castle on the English Channel. Actually, it is not a real castle, but a farmhouse. A farmhouse containing a hundred rooms with all modern conveniences, no mysterious killer bathtub, or bowel-destroying toilet.

Our room is in the upper turret on the south side of the house (which means it is round). The estate itself is actually a working horse and sheep ranch. The family who owns the house and several square miles of land has been in the business of breeding horses and sheep for centuries. They breed Clydesdales, which are the ancestors of the great horses that carried English knights into battle. They also breed thoroughbred racing horses and the hardy pony of the highlands of Scotland. The animals seem to have the run of the estate. Once you go through the gate, there are only horses and sheep. It is beautiful watching the colts running and chasing sheep. The dining facilities are truly medieval, containing a large wooden table that is several centuries old and chairs that make you feel like midgets. Each meal has a number of entrees, green vegetables, appetizers, potatoes and is an all you can eat buffet. The menu includes three meals a day; the breakfast is a choice of European or American. The noon meal is a light lunch, usually meat sandwiches and drinks. One cannot miss the evening meal. All the guests, owners, and workers share the evening meal at the table. After the evening meal, enter the library, lounge in large leather sofas, and learn about the estate’s history. I forgot to mention our room is haunted. Our room was the bedroom of the late Duchess Lady Marie.

This is the story about Lady Marie. The British Government was going to hang her but at the last minute Queen Victoria saved her. She was not a bad person; she just got a little confused about her priorities. Lady Marie was an American, who married into English royalty. She had a problem, she desperately wanted to be Royalty; however, she was just an American actress working in England. The story suggests that she seduced John the Duke Chadwick. Her beauty and the enticing portrait she presented while riding horseback at horse auctions charmed the Duke. The Duke raised thoroughbred horses and sold them around the world. This estate is notable for its horses. When he saw Marie perform, he imagined how much her presence would increase the price of his horses. So actually, the seduction was not entirely her doing; they both had something the other wanted. She wanted the title of Duchess and he wanted someone to attract buyers. What a wonderful marital relationship. Problems arise when she learned that he lived not near London, but at the end of the earth. It was a full day’s trip to the nearest estate and two days to the nearest town. How can I put this delicately?  She had binders full of lovers and wannabe lovers. The Duke thought that performing his husbandry duties more than once a month pushed his morals to the limit.

 The problem that led to her troubles happens quite innocently, as all great tragic events usually do. One morning, the mail wagon delivered an invitation from one of the other estates in the area. The lord of that farm and his wife had just returned from an elephant hunt in West Africa. They were going to have a formal ball to tell about their adventures. This affords Marie the opportunity to take a three-day trip to London to purchase a new dress. The Duke was rather thrilled to attend the ball with his closest friend. The other farm is about 20 miles from the Duke’s farm so this is a one-day trip at best. Marie spends two weeks in London picking out a dress for the ball. One can only imagine why it took her eight days to find a dress.

The story is that Marie was the hit of the ball with her dress that boasted the assets that help her husband to increase his sales by five percent. George, the lord of the estate, like John, is related to Queen Victoria. George was very proud of his elephant. The only problem with it was that it was missing the trunk and one front leg. George explained that the natives had taken them while they were preparing the elephant for transportation. Supposedly, you can still see the stuffed elephant at the other estate. George was in poor health; he contracted a rare form of a common disease while in the Congo. He had contracted Elephantitus, and the parasite had lodged in his scrotum. The disease caused this part of his anatomy to swell to the size of a football. Keep in mind that a football is a soccer ball. It is especially painful because the swelling requires draining on a regular basis.

John caught the urge to go elephant hunting. When he suggested it to Marie, she was rather adamant that she would not go. George’s wife, Lady Anne, took Marie aside and introduced her to the white hunter that led their expedition. Anne explained that her husband would probably be ill with something most of the time and the white hunter was a nice person who would take care of her while her husband recovered. This changed Marie’s mind and she found the white hunter and led him to the balcony so he could tell her about West Africa. Another trip to London to acquire the equipment they need for elephant hunting.

In Africa, John soon develops a case of malaria and is indisposed for a period. Marie uses this time to find out why the great white hunter has not made a move on her. As she suggests to the hunter, it would certainly not be against her will. She is horrified to learn that the beautiful great white hunter is actually homosexual. He explains to Marie that it was not him, but his bearers that serviced Lady Anne throughout the safari.

One day, Marie is dismayed to see one of the natives, who travels with the safari, has lost an arm and the only medical attention he receives is a tourniquet. A few days later, the same man has lost the other arm. A few days later, she sees the same man carried on a stretcher because he has lost a leg. A few days later, he has lost the other leg. Marie, in her memories, said she could not take it any longer and inquired about his condition. The white hunter told her that a lion attacked the injured man. She wondered why a lion would keep attacking the same man, and why it did not just kill him. The hunter explained the situation to her. Most of the bearers are cannibals. On special occasions, they require human flesh. The reason they took his arms and leg first is to ensure he stays alive for several days so the meat did not spoil. They took the arms first so he could still walk. They did not have to carry him until they started on the legs. Oh, that explains many things.

They do get the elephant. Marie is the one who actually kills the animal. The bull elephant charged the safari. John, with his breech loading elephant gun freezes and does nothing. Marie, with her large caliber Winchester, shoots the elephant in the eye and the bullet bounces around in the beast’s brain. The elephant is dead with one shot by a woman. The natives go wild. John is humiliated and tries to blame the situation on a misfire. Both barrels misfired. He is overjoyed to have a perfect, undamaged elephant hide to mount, unlike his friend’s mutated one. The local King learns about the wonderful woman and sends a party to invite everyone to a banquet in her honor. When they reach the village, the King pulls John aside and then returns to entertain Marie and the white hunter. John is not with the King. Marie, in the company of the King and the white hunter, voices her concern about her husband. The King, through an interpreter, explains that John requires preparation for a great honor at the banquet. The main course smells and looks wonderful and everyone eagerly devours the salty light-colored meat. Marie asks what the meat is and the King tells her it is long pig. It is unlike any pork she has ever consumed. The banquet begins to break up and still no sign of John. Marie becomes a little frantic. The white hunter can no longer hold his tongue. He has to tell her the long pig was actually her husband, John. Marie looks deeply into the white hunter’s eyes and asks, “Can we go home now?”

Back at the estate, Marie is now in charge, and the estate becomes the place to be in Scotland. Her charitable work for Africans in noted throughout the British Isles. She brings many Africans to Scotland to work on the land and she pays for their education. Mostly, her parties are the talk of the Isles and Europe. Everyone who is someone has attended one of her lavish parties. The end comes when one of the guests, a geographic explorer, identifies the meat that is the talk of the party. The police find over 200 human skeletons bearing knife marks, revealing the way each individual was butchered. The police arrest Marie and sentence her to die. As I said, Queen Victoria commutes her sentence, but Marie must live out her life on the Estate. She can no longer consume meat of any kind and she cannot leave the estate. Marie lives to be 102 years old. They told us that at night you could often hear her walking the halls of the great house. Out on the estate, you can hear the cries of the people she had butchered for her parties. Believe me, you can.

©2012 Michael L. Wright